It’s a happy birthday… sigh… to Jessica Simpson, who turns 27 today, probably celebrating by making some comically misguided and dunderheaded malapropism. I’m going to endeavor to avoid saying anything needlessly cruel and misanthropic, but Simpson’s appeal escapes me, always has. Sure, she’s got a huge rack, but she’s an awful screen performer, and endearing only insomuch as one appreciates those who aren’t in on the fact that everyone’s laughing at them instead of with them.
How to be as delicate as possible, here? Umm… some women are not meant to speak, really. (Before anyone gets up in arms, I’d certainly say the same thing as well about an equal percentage of men, many of whom I believe appear in Abercrombie & Fitch ads.) Simpson’s allure, as it were, dates back to another era — she’s a Betty Grable pin-up queen, tantalizing only as an unknowable commodity. The second she opens her mouth, the illusion is shattered. Both on screen — with her forcedly, faux-sexy twang — and off, Simpson is play-acting what she’s been told is sexy, and the dimness and swallowed panic come through in equal measure.
There, that wasn’t mean, was it?
Daily Archives: July 10, 2007
Freak Flags Fly on Hollywood Boulevard
Hollywood Boulevard offers up its own very particular freak show, and I’ve written before about rampaging Wookies and the like. Now it seems, per E! Online, that a Marilyn Monroe look-alike has called the cops on a Chewbacca character, alleging that someone touched her on her right shoulder “without her permission,” LAPD officer April Harding said on Monday. She also told officers that about a month ago a man in a Chewbacca costume grabbed her hand and placed it on his genitals, hence the filed battery complaint. Wait a second… battery and/or sexual harassment, or just some good old role-playing hanky-panky? Hmmm… maybe I’ve revealed too much…
Actually, one funny thing is that this entire incident was apparently set off by a group of tourists approaching the Monroe character — whose name police refused to release — and telling her that she was the worst Marilyn Monroe impersonator they’d ever seen; “Marilyn” then thought that the guy dressed as Chewbecca had egged them or convinced them to say that. The funnier thing is that two weeks ago I was in Hollywood, right around the Hollywood & Highland complex and Grauman’s Chinese, where these folks congregate. From about 30 feet, I saw what I presume to be many of the same characters described herein, and I remember being struck by and even saying at the time to a couple friends of mine, “Jesus, who’s that supposed to be… Marilyn Monroe?” She looked awful, really. Donn Harper, though, quoted in the aforementioned piece, shouldn’t get too uppity… his run-down Elmo costume was equally pathetic and derisible.
On God and Stephen Baldwin
So… random, and certainly quite small in the grand scheme of things, but I have it on good authority that Jonathan Spinks and famously penitent actor Stephen Baldwin
will be appearing at the Pentagon for a prayer breakfast (“scheduled for 0700 hrs”) on August 8. Quoth the interdepartmental email posting/invite: “Jonathan has traveled throughout the United States with the OSU Tour, providing care for our troops and families. Stephen is a Hollywood
celebrity, who loves God and our country too! …Come join us for prayer and a meaningful message.”
Those thinking the phrase “culture wars” is so much empty theater, designed to stoke the flames of partisan politics… well, they’re right, actually. But they do also exist, and are ongoing. Sometimes a single word says a lot. Take the above tag “too,” for instance. It ostensibly refers back to Spinks, but its juxtaposition works two ways — the second and somewhat unnerving implication, of course, being that big ol’ liberal celebrities and shady Hollywoodites certainly don’t love God or country.
David Lynch Will Smell Good
David Lynch has signed on to direct a commercial for Gucci’s eponymous new perfume, according to Stylephile.com. While ad work isn’t new or necessarily unusual for the director — who’s helmed a memorable pregnancy test commercial, among others — it will be interesting to see what Lynch comes up with for what should be a relatively high-end launch. Parent company Procter & Gamble released a statement which indicated why they tapped the avant garde filmmaker to tackle
the task: “Lynch was selected for his holistic ability as an artist,
his professional experience and knowledge, his never-ending research
for beautiful images, his use of music and his modernity.” Take that, Brett Ratner! One also has to figure that Lynch can knock out half of his Christmas shopping with this gig.