Struggling with a friend and colleague earlier this week to understand the astonishing $34 million opening weekend gross of Paul Blart: Mall Cop — a near-$10,000 per screen average, and a number that I hear surprised even Sony’s in-house number-crunchers, by a significant margin — this was the best I could come up with:

“My only theory (which is admittedly not a very good one) is that in the same way that Christmas releases will boost the returns of certain films — since families are together and looking for something to do that doesn’t involve more talking about Uncle John’s new boyfriend or Aunt Sally’s recent DUI — maybe folks gearing up for the Inauguration celebration wanted a collective mental health break, a way to definitively check out of the real world for a bit, and laugh at the fat guy who couldn’t slide all the way across the floor. I’d be fascinated in the complete regional box office receipt breakdowns on the movie, and urban vs. rural, etcetera. Of course, I think this cracked theory could only account for a couple million dollars, so I don’t know — maybe Kevin James is morphing into the new Tim Allen, i.e., the TV star turned “safe” movie lead, in kind of bland, middle-of-the-road, family-friendly fare. Didn’t see that coming…”