Li’l Romeo, Percy Miller, Jr., Romeo Miller… it’s hard
keeping up with the names of rap impresario Master P’s oldest offspring (above right). After
all, this kid has bounced around all over the aspirant mini-celeb map, from
ankle-biting rap moneymaker to actor to hoopster. With regards to the latter, he’s accepted a basketball
scholarship to USC, where he’ll matriculate beginning in the fall of 2008. One
thing is for certain — with Crush on U,
Miller has given opposing fans plenty of new, shameful heckling material in an
already estimable canon of jokes.

He stars here as Rome
(what a shock), a popular 16-year-old high school sophomore who has everything
going his way. Rome’s best friend
Matt asks him to watch his younger sister while he goes out on a date. Rome
agrees, but quickly finds out that he’s bitten off more than he can chew; to
his surprise, Matt’s little sister Forest
(Forrest Lipton, above left) has a big crush on him, and wants to take him to the school
dance. Instead, Romeo sends his younger brother, and “romantic miscomplications,”
as Master P might say, ensue.

I’ll be honest, the critical filter wasn’t really set on
high for this flick. I threw it on while making dinner one night, expecting a
stupid, doofy comedy somewhat on par with that stupid Saturday morning kids’
series starring the two kids from Big
Daddy… what’re their names — ahh, right, Dylan and Cole Sprouse. After all,
it’s hard to take seriously a movie that doesn’t feature a listed writer (that
would be Britt O’Wynn, doubtfully a real name) on its back cover credit
listing, and is executive produced solely by someone recognized as “Bossman.”

I had no idea, really. Crush
on U is atrocious, and completely, mind-numbingly inane (which in and of
itself isn’t shocking), but it’s also awfully filmed and staged, and just
awkward and incompetent all around. It’s directed by Master P himself, and,
fitting for a man who once concocted the stirring anthem “Make ’Em Say Uhh!,” marrying
prefab beats to a bowel movement exhortation, he mucks it up but good. I didn’t
finish watching this, a professional rarity, but I also must report that
substituting “couldn’t” for “didn’t” wouldn’t be much of a stretch. It’s that
wretched, even on its own terms as a piece of promotional sidebar product feeding
the gaping maw of Master P’s sprawling entertainment empire.

Housed in a regular Amray case with a snap-hinge tray, Crush on U is presented in 1.78:1
widescreen, and actually comes with a CD soundtrack featuring more than 20
tunes. Well, that’s somewhat misleading. There’s actually five songs, you see — “Madame
Prezz,” “Step by Step,” “Girly Girl,” the title track and “Dancing.” Club
mixes, radio edits, instrumental versions and the like pad out the CD’s running
time… hey, just like the feature! Tedious outtakes, a Lipton music video (she’s
also a young singer in Master P’s stable, you see) and other predictably cheery
and back-slapping behind-the-scenes material comprise the slate of bonus
material, and a two-sided mini poster, featuring both Romeo and Lipton, is also
included. If, for some reason, you feel the urge to still purchase this movie, via Amazon, click here. If I’m Being Kind: I, For Incomplete; If I’m Being Honest: F (Movie) C-
(Disc)