So in addition to the two previous paternity suit participants, we have clown prince Frederic von Anhalt claiming a 10-year affair with Anna Nicole Smith, and now her bodyguard has come forward as the fourth man to say he believes he's her "baby daddy." Great, just fantastic. What the hell is this, Broken Flowers? Can we literally just eradicate everyone involved in this story, put them down for the good of society? Because we all know that with role models like these, that baby girl ends up in rehab 20 years from now, or pregnant, or arrested in some meth lab raid.

For the record, though, let me just state, in no uncertain terms, that I am not the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. It doesn't even depend on what your definition of the word "is" is.